I feel like that “once upon time” is never going to happen and I have missed the chance to die with a happy ending, in other words i have lost the chance to die young. For days I sit and plan the flawless escape but I seem to be losing a vital point. I most probably have lost the inspiration to carry on. Every morning seems like the one that should have never come. Then, when you get up you try to get along with people around you which is basically not in your control. It’s like ticking bomb and there is no escape for you to the other world which rests on the other side of the whole house. Now thinking about a plan to survive has made me strong, so strong that I don’t feel pain as I used to. It’s like I knew how to cry but all of sudden someone brainwashed me into not crying taking away the very essence of life, the pain to realize that I am just like another human. What makes one tick? In what hopes do they work so hard? How is it they are satisfied with all the things they call emotions? Answer to these will be important for me, for I have to live a life trying to make sure I understand the concept called life. The illusion of love I create is like a nightmare that bounces back again and again. You know it’s not true but if I let go of this I won’t hear the little thing that’s inside me saying, I am perhaps a human. This is the guy who loved Beer, Music, food, football and a simple conversation will end and that illusion shall carry on for ill find truth or forget myself trying. The storms coming I can feel it, the points is if its strong enough.
The things are always out there, I see myself I see others, I care but not that they don’t, reason I care for myself. My friend told me you truly don’t know the meaning of being focus, true either I have gone through and not able to realize it. Thus my journey takes its toll, where I started it all what was I to begin with nothing but my wits and sense to survive and yet after all these years I just see myself standing right there at the spot I had begun and only with my wits and sense of surviving has brought me so far, was it right or wrong to start off with just that coz I have left with most of it right now. Now I say to myself should I build something or give a damn and say I am good at surviving. “To live is to know how to die” now I answer myself what it takes to die for me to live is all I have know. So I take turn and walk back.
“I like to use the metaphor of the butterfly. In metamorphosis, within the body of the caterpillar little things that biologists call imaginal discs or imaginal cells begin to crop up in the body of the caterpillar. They aren’t recognized by the immune system so the caterpillar’s immune system wipes them out as they pop up. It isn’t until they begin to link forces and join up with each other that they get stronger and are able to resist the onslaught of the immune system, until the immune system itself breaks down and the imaginal cells form the body of the butterfly. I think that is a beautiful metaphor for what is happening in our times. The old body is going into meltdown while the new one develops. It isn’t that you end one thing and then start another. So everybody engaged in recycling, in alternative projects, in communal living, in developing healthier systems for themselves and each other is engaged in building the new world while the old one collapses. Its collapse is inevitable. There is no way around that.”
What’s freedom I ask myself? To do what u want n go where u want. Well I don’t know, I can’t walk on water if need to; I need a boat…..I need money to buy a boat….. I need to work to get the money ……I need a skill to work ……. to get that skill I need experience n knowledge……at the end I forget what I had started with …….dreams have no restriction and yet v cant dream more than what our eyes can see, the sounds that we hear and the feel of touch. What is freedom? Where do I find it? People talk about liberation but it makes no sense. Freedom was never meant to be ours it’s just a fantasy that we believe, a fantasy that I have never come across. I can’t relate anything I ever know with freedom, and yet I never stop in the search of this freedom. Am I dreaming a dream that has no restriction? Then I understand yes there is freedom, Freedom to think n dream in any way you want, Yes I finally realise freedom is a dream, a fantasy that only you can imagine and never live it.
I could hear the wind with pitch black sight, a wonderful sight I thought. I could see nothing but it made lot of sense. Now that I had turned to the wind I walked towards it, Trying 2 find a straight path 2 walk. I could not see the ground but felt like I was walking on marshy slippery terrain, if I made a wrong move I could slip into the depth of darkness. I dint know where I was walking or my destination but just a path I had chosen to walk. It seemed like my sense to see was completely useless in here, my eyes trying catch anything that would remotely bring sense to tell I could still see. I still dint know where I was my ears were alert and trying to pick anything that was happening, By the situation there was nothing but sound of my footsteps and wind that I followed. I have been walking so long I have forgotten all about time, it felt like hours but I dint care, all I wanted to do is walk to wind that I was driven to, the path I had chosen. Now I could make something unnatural in the wind, it started to give fragrance of some kind which I had never ever smelled in my life and I kept walking towards it. After a long time I heard something, which sounded like music a faint sound beautiful sound. Now the wind carried a sound and the smell the very wind I had chosen to walk. My skin started to act weird; all hair on my skin stood up as if they had seen a ghost and started to feel cold. Tension grew as the surrounding dint make any sense, but I was determined to find it out. I kept walking, never felt tired or felt like sitting down, all I wanted to do is walk on the path that I had chosen. Walking alone in this darkness dint bring neither fear nor the sense of being alone. It felt as if my heart was frozen and had lost the nous of emotions.